Let's share some Onion articles

[Rhino......................]

The Onion is one of the most frequently and consistently funny comedy sites on this here internet. Find some good articles; find some good videos. Post! Post! Post! Here's one now!

I Don't Even Want to be Alive Anymore, by Rush Limbaugh

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus.

[Larry Flyntz]

I really like The Onion's sports section.  Here's one of my recent favorites, "Mickey Mouse Noticeably Avoids A-Rod During Trip to Disney World."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/mickey_mouse_noticeably

[WWW.SETH.COM]

Lars Von Trier's tourism ads

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/denmark_introduces_harrowing_new

[WWW.SETH.COM]

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this—this so-called 'money'—really matters at all."

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.

At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.

"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."

"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."

Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again.

"The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment."

A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.

Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes.

"I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."

The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.

"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."

When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.

"That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_economy_grinds_to_halt_as

[FAGGOT WATCHIN TRON]

Is it absolutely ridiculous that I totally wish that exact thing would happen? God I hate money.

[Rhino......................]

Haha, that reminds me of this one.

Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.

"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."

"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute."

According to the bipartisan plan, the proposed monument will be built precariously over a Washington freeway overpass, and will require as many as 30 years of grueling labor to complete. As a representation of humanity's failure to learn from past mistakes, the project is being designed by the architecture firm of Ganz & Weiss, best known for their work on a series of dangerously constructed St. Louis public housing projects that were condemned in the late 1990s.

"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH) said of the monument, which he claimed would eventually sink into the federally protected wetlands that surround it. "Not only will it be an aesthetic disaster, but it will also require constant, expensive maintenance just to ensure that the whole foundation doesn't topple suddenly and kill hundreds of innocent people."

The lead architect on the project, Robert Wheeler, told reporters that the monument would be a stirring testament to more than 200,000 years of arrogance, idiocy, and waste. He also confirmed that no fewer than eight different blueprint designs would be clumsily patched together in order to preserve the spirit of indecision and gross incompetence with which mankind has approached the vast majority of its endeavors.

"The face of the building will be covered with recently excavated sections of the Titanic, as well as several faulty pressure valves from the Chernobyl power plant and hundreds of uranium-tipped shell casings from the first Gulf War," said Wheeler, whose design calls for the monument to be surrounded by dozens of oil derricks pumping night and day into bare dirt. "But the most exciting feature of the memorial, in my opinion, is the giant glowing orb at the top that will symbolize humanity's needless overuse of energy and will itself use a staggering 12 gigawatts of power per second."

According to sources, thousands of poorly paid migrant laborers will carry out construction on the monument, digging straight through underground power lines and gas mains in order to clear a space for the soon-to-be dilapidated foundation. In addition, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency confirmed Monday that the construction zone has already been designated as a highly toxic Superfund site, setting the entire project three months behind schedule.

"So far we've spent $40 billion and lost a total of 300 or so construction workers, and we haven't even put in a full day's work," said project manager Tom Matthiessen. "It's been a challenge, but knowing that we're doing this to commemorate the countless lives and resources squandered by human beings throughout history makes it all worthwhile."

Added Matthiessen, "At this rate, I'd say the whole project should be a total, top-to-bottom nightmare by late December."

Although a vast majority of legislators supported the $500 billion bill, a few dissenting voices claimed that the project is an improper use of congressional funds.

"While I am all for paying homage to mankind's tragic legacy of imprudence, surely there are more appropriate ways to do so than this," Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN) said. "Why can't we simply give the money back to the taxpayers so they can waste it all on bad investments, botched plastic surgery, and misguided real estate deals? Wouldn't that be a more suitable way of recognizing the complete inanity of our pathetic existence?"

At press time, Congress, and all of humanity itself, was trapped in a self-perpetuating loop of failure that is expected to continue until the inevitable extinction of the human species.

[oatmeal fetish....]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/shes_probably_a_money

PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy out to make a quick buck and that her claims were completely without merit. "She's probably just a typical example of certain women like that," said Pittsburgh resident Michael Reese, who has never met the alleged victim, and who followed his initial statement by nervously lighting another cigarette. "She probably saw him at the bar and thought, 'Here's my chance to cash in.' Or maybe she hit on him, and when he didn't even give her the time of day, she concocted this little scheme to get back at him. Yup. Bet you any money that's what happened. Sure." Reese then stared down at the Roethlisberger jersey in his hands for a long moment, gesturing as if to put it on before slowly hanging it on a hook behind his door.

 

[oatmeal fetish....]

I went over to the onion just kind of on a whim the other day and found these two gems -

http://www.theonion.com/articles/white-house-jester-beheaded-for-making-fun-of-soar,17495/

White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt

"WASHINGTON—After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs. Obama.

"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said following the death sentence. "Let it be heard over every city and suburb of this land that the National Debt is no topic for frivolity, and the mailed hand of Obama shall smite all offenders."

Motley, who used his last words to beg in vain for Obama's mercy, was executed on the North Lawn at the strike of noon."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/president-obama-mentions-hed-like-to-see-lebron-ja,17512/

President Obama Mentions He'd Like To See LeBron James In Chicago, Also That He's Leader Of The Free World

"WASHINGTON—President of the United States, basketball fan, and former Chicago resident Barack Obama once again weighed in on the future of LeBron James Wednesday, saying how much he would enjoy seeing the superstar play for the Bulls, and also that he, President Obama, was in fact the leader of the free world.

"As I've mentioned before, I think LeBron would look great in a Bulls uniform," the president told reporters during a special morning press briefing in the Oval Office. "It's a great basketball city, and I think he'd fit right in. Just like I fit in here in my office—which, if you hadn't noticed when you entered, is the Oval Office, the center of power of the United States and, by extension, the Western world."

"Sorry, I think I may have gotten sidetracked there and said something irrelevant," added the president, walking casually over the presidential seal on the White House rug. "Or possibly not. In any case, I think LeBron would be perfect for the Bulls and their excellent core of young players. It's a team game, and in any team game it's important to have good teammates, as I'm fond of telling my own teammates, like the joint chiefs, the secretary of state, and, you know, the nation of Britain.""