Posts by Flyntz:
Ted Haggart Tries His Hand at Marketing
March 15th, 2007I was kicking back, watching some infomercials the other day, as I am wont to do, and I was shocked to see none other than former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Reverend Ted Haggard, appear on screen. For those of you who are out of the loop, there is a “former” preceding that title because in November of 2006, it was discovered that Mr. Haggard, in addition to saving souls, also enjoyed Crystal Meth and male prostitutes.
I’m sorry; that’s misleading. It was only one male prostitute.
Read the rest of this entry »
That’s a tasty metaphor-burger!
February 16th, 2007At a McDonald’s not too far from here, the following scene unfolded, as horrified mothers shielded the eyes of their babies, and hipster teens took snapshots with their camera phones:
A couple, let’s call them George and Laura, walked in the door and up to the counter. After much deliberation, which certainly did not please the customers behind them, they decided to order two double cheeseburgers for the gentleman and a Tuscan Chicken Salad for the lady. When they received their food, this couple was happy as could be. You could tell by the looks on their faces that George and Laura just could not wait to chow down on this delectable feast.
Or so it seemed.
Read the rest of this entry »
A Celebration of Santorum
November 9th, 2006With a mere three hours before Pennsylvania’s polls close…
Recently, the Discovery Institute, a Christian think tank most widely known for its promotion of “Intelligent Design,” has announced plans to work with Senator Rick Santorum in designing a new “equal opportunity” curriculum for American public schools. The Discovery Institute and Senator Santorum have a fond history together: Senator Santorum once attempted to insert a provision in the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 that would call for the teaching of “Intelligent Design” along side of evolution. Fortunately, this provision did not become law. However, the Discovery Institute and Senator Santorum will not give up so easily; they march on together.
The president of the Discovery Institute, Bruce Chapman, and Senator Santorum issued the following joint statement:
“It is our heartfelt opinion that a solid education requires that students hear all sides of an issue. This kind of education extends beyond the science classroom. So, while we still urge Congress to support Intelligent Design, we are here today to propose changes to the broader curriculum. Let us begin with History. History teachers claim to teach “facts.” However, they get these “facts” from great historical documents and historical record keeping. For instance, we have come to understand the founding of our great nation because of the notes kept by the founders during meetings of the Continental Congress. But, let us pose a question: who are the greatest record keepers of all time? Here are just a few: Matthew, John, Luke, Mark. Yes, for too long, the Bible’s historical significance has been ignored in public schools. We suggest that the Bible be required reading in all History classes. These great men were historians, and to omit them from the classroom simply because they followed the teachings of the Lord amounts to no more than secular persecution of religion. We are by no means suggesting that Christianity should be taught or that the contemporary academic view of History is wrong, and suggesting that either the Discovery Institute or Senator Santorum has an ‘agenda’ would be childish. We simply seek the best education for our children.
With that in mind, let us turn to English and Literature. Throughout their education, American students read the classics: Death of a Salesman, The Scarlet Letter, Of Mice and Men, The Lord of the Flies, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Beowulf, Hamlet, etc. But, one undeniable classic has been arbitrarily removed from this list: the Bible. The Bible is very important piece of literary non-fiction. The plot is very involved, and the characters are dynamic. The word choice is impeccable; indeed, it is infallible. In short, the Bible is a great piece of literature. Once again, we do not suggest that Christian morality be instilled in American students. We simply believe that reading the Bible is essential for the development of a true understanding of literary history.
For too long academic, liberal, and secular elites have developed curricula unchallenged, leading to a bland, one-sided education for our children. Our children deserve better. They deserve not only to be taught what is right, but also what is wrong. It is up to them to make that determination for themselves. Thank you, and may God bless you all.”
Get Rid of the Penny
October 24th, 2006If someone were to ask you what is the most persistent inconvenience in modern life, what would you say? Me? I’d say “The penny.�
Yes, that little copper devil causes me immeasurable pain and agony. Let me count the ways. First, pennies weigh down my pockets to the point that I’ve had to invest in suspenders. Granted, this has allowed me to make a striking fashion statement, but I’ve never been fond of letting pieces of metal dictate my wardrobe.
Second, pennies increase the risk of spreading deadly infectious diseases like the common cold. After all, toddlers (known for being the most disgusting of all United States citizens) are more likely to handle pennies than any other monetary unit. In turn, pennies are clearly the dirtiest of all U.S. coins.
Third, and most importantly, pennies have led to the undeniable problem of old people counting out bags of pennies, one by one, at the pharmacy. Next time you need to buy condoms and Funyuns, you better bring a novel. This could be solved, of course, by refusing to give prescriptions to the elderly or by turning Soylent Green into reality, but I’m sure those solutions would raise at least one Constitutional question.
Nay-sayers will abound, I’m sure. They will say “But Honest Abe is on the penny! He freed the slaves!� This is not untrue, but let me remind you that Lincoln was killed by a mere bullet. Should we really honor such a weak man? I say “Nay!� We should honor a president who survived his assassination attempts like Ronald Reagan or Gerald Ford. Or, even better, George W. Bush, who is so universally loved that there has never even been an attempt on his life.
Surely, they will also make the “slippery slope� argument. In other words, if we get rid of pennies, will we get rid of nickels, dimes, two dollar bills!? Now, that’s just silly. First of all, we need to simply trust our government. Is that so much to ask? And second, we would never get rid of such a useful piece of money as the two dollar bill! These people are no more than paranoid stoners. Put down the “bong� and pick up a gun, sons!
And people will certainly point out that prices will get rounded up, not down. Now, I would never condone this sort of “glass half empty� cynicism, but as a practical matter, it’s probably true. However, this could serve as a very convenient tax for the government. Perhaps this money could be set aside for the U.S. Mint to develop more useful coins like the Sacagawea Golden Dollar and ten more variations on the nickel. That sounds like a good use for pennies, don’t you think?
Indie Fucks
May 12th, 2006Matt Flyntz, a long time member of the Space Pirate community, writes for the Grizzly - the newspaper at Ursinus College. Flyntz, as we’ve come to call him, is a political science major and usually writes political articles. Other times he does not. This is one of those times. Enjoy.
-Dan
____________________
I am a lonely, lonely man, so I spend my days browsing through Ursinus students’ livejournals in hopes that their tales of woe may lift my spirits and get me through the day. This is an excerpt from one such journal. The author’s real name, for legal reasons, has been withheld, but I can tell you that his livejournal username is indieemodude123.
Monday, January 16, 2006 “This semester is going to rule!�
I just got back from classes, and let me tell you, I have the coolest professor. He’s new here. His name is Dr. Shazmo. Yeah, you’ve probably never heard of him. He has this new age approach to teaching that is just amazing. He doesn’t believe in grades, man. How cool is that? Anyway, the class is called “Existentialism in 20th Century British Literature,� but you’ve probably never heard of it. It’s great, because there are only six kids in the class, so it shouldn’t be cluttered with morons who don’t understand the concepts. That’s all for now.
Mood: Excited
Music: The Decemberists (you’ve probably never heard of them)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 “untitled�
Classes were pretty good today. My friend, Bill, and two other students joined E20CBL. I guess word is spreading about how awesome Shazmo is. It looks like he’s on the right track for tenure! And, plus, the more people who know about existentialism, the better, because I swear, if I have to hear one more person say “What’s that?� I’ll throw away all my Death Cab CDs, and that’s practically synonymous with killing myself.
Mood: Content
Music: Death Cab for Cutie
Friday, January 20, 2006 “Poultry in the Washing Machine�
I don’t know. I thought the title was funny. I’m weird. Anyway, two more people joined E20CBL today. That makes 11. I’m kind of worried. I thought this was going to be a fun little class, but it seems to be changing. But I have faith that Shazmo wouldn’t steer me wrong. He brought in his guitar and played some Franz Ferdinand today! How cool is that?
Mood: Been better
Music: Minus the Bear
Monday, January 23, 2006 “Unbelievable�
Three more people joined today! And they’re all stupid jocks! Shazmo has decided to slow down so that these uncultured swine can “understand better�! Can you believe that? Why take a class on existentialism if you don’t understand existentialism? College isn’t meant for people to learn! It’s meant for people to show off their knowledge of trivial factoids! Ugh! Man, I hate to say it, but I’m not sure I’m going to like Shazmo that much. At least I can say I knew old school Shazmo.
Mood: Pissed
Music: Modest Mouse
Wednesday, January 25, 2006 “Who needs it, anyway?�
I dropped E20CBL. That bastard sold out. Like The Hives.
Mood: Pretentious
Music: Sunny Day Real Estate
