Cleveland Is a Fat Chick and You Know It
Written by Manco
I’ve spent a lot of my life in about three cities. Philly, my hometown, was my first eighteen years. Since then, I have spent several semesters of school at the illustrious University of Pittsburgh. The aggregate time adds up to something close to two years. Other than that, the major metropolis that has enjoyed my company the most would have to be New York.
And to be honest, New York is the worst of the lot.
If I had to give each of these cities womanly attributes (and I certainly feel that I must), Philadelphia would be the buxom, big-eyed city next door. The one that you take out for ice cream. Philadelphia is kind of quiet, very clean and quite convenient, seeing as she has plenty of Wawas. Maybe you grew up together, maybe her family just moved to the neighborhood and she keeps “forgetting” to close her curtains. Maybe she came over to watch Scrubs and let you pull the big-yawn-arm-over-the-shoulder move. Either way, Philadelphia seems like the kind of city you take home to mom. The kind of city you settle down and raise some suburbs with.
Good old Pittsburgh, though, is different from Philly. Think of Pittsburgh like the city you meet in a bar and take home. Then you see her again another time and take her home again. Pittsburgh is the dumb blonde city. The city that is easy, and kind of dumb. But you date a city like that mostly because you occasionally get horny and she looks good in a skirt. It is important to note that Pittsburgh will watch sports with you (occasionally she will even get kind of freaky with you while wearing nothing but a thong and Roethlisberger Jersey (hey, whatever, right?)).
But New York. New York. Even the name sounds prissy. “New” York. Like her parents thought their daughter was too good for a simpler name like Newark or Seattle. New York is super-hot. She also has some HUGE buildings. Plus, lots of bridges and entryways for easy access. But she makes you crazy. New York has a vibe to her. When you’re inside her you cannot help but feel the pulse of the city herself.
New York is the city you date for two weeks before you realize she is batshit crazy. She never sleeps. She keeps calling you up (even after you have moved on to another city) and threatening to hurt herself. Not only that, she expects you to feel sorry for her whenever she has the slightest problem. Did I mention that she thinks she is better than every other city? She does think that. She’s scatterbrained, always going in a million directions at once. Plus, once you get to know her, New York is not quite as clean as it looks from the outside. Some areas, you just do not want to visit more than once. Did I mention New York loves to complain? Even while explaining why she is so great, she will still complain about how tough it is to make it inside her borders.
In short, New York is kind of a bitch. Pittsburgh? I could spend some time with her. And Philly is always in my heart. But like most men, for whatever reason, whenever I need a wild night, I always want to go to New York.
