Ted Haggart Tries His Hand at Marketing
Written by Flyntz
I was kicking back, watching some infomercials the other day, as I am wont to do, and I was shocked to see none other than former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Reverend Ted Haggard, appear on screen. For those of you who are out of the loop, there is a “former” preceding that title because in November of 2006, it was discovered that Mr. Haggard, in addition to saving souls, also enjoyed Crystal Meth and male prostitutes.
I’m sorry; that’s misleading. It was only one male prostitute.
I did not know what to make of this situation. I wondered to myself, “Self, what could a disgraced minister like Haggard possibly be pawning on HSN?” I later regretted ever asking that question…
“Hi, I’m Reverend Ted Haggard,” he said with his trademark toothy smile. “You may have heard my name in the news over the past few months, and I am ashamed to admit that everything you have heard is true.” The audience booed, and his smile had deteriorated into a rather insincere frown. “But, I am pleased to announce that I have been cured!” Instantly, the audience began applauding, as if there were a sign saying “applause.”
“You know, I tried dealing with my homosexual problems in many ways. I tried watching football, watching heterosexual pornography (I always managed to find my way back to a gay porn site), and of course, I tried prayer. But, nothing worked. Luckily for me, that’s when I learned that when God lets you down, Plugitup™!”
“Ted, what is Plugitup™?” an audience member asked, with the bewildered stage fright of a fourth grader in an Elementary School production of Cats.
“I’m glad you asked!” Plugitup™ is the first and only cure for homosexuality!” His teethy grin shined brighter than ever.
“But how does it work?” another audience member asked.
Before he answered, he reached under a counter and brought out something that looked very reminiscent of a butt plug. “You see, by simply placing this device inside of the anus, all desire for gay sexual activity is instantly taken away. And it feels great!”
“Ted, I am a gay man, and I have been looking for a cure,” another audience member said in the worst rendition of the gay stereotype I have ever heard. “Will Plugitup™ actually make me straight?”
“Of course! If you don’t believe me, just ask my wife!” Just then, Mrs. Haggard (who stayed with Ted, despite his three-year fling with drugs and a male prostitute; after all, divorce is an abomination) walked on stage, with a grin even bigger and brighter than Ted’s.
“Hi, I’m Gayle Haggard, and ever since Plugitup™, Ted and I have seen a huge change in our love life. He went from having sex with male prostitutes once or twice a week to having sex with me once or twice a year. It’s a change of biblical proportions.” She, Ted, and the audience joined together in a heartfelt belly laugh.
“It doesn’t get any clearer than that,” Ted said, absolutely beaming. “Just remember, Plugitup™: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE SCHPINCTER. Thank you, and may God bless you all. But, if he doesn’t, buy Plugitup™! Call now, and get two for the price of one! You and your gay partner can get cured together, and then you can go to football games together and throw backyard barbeque parties without any impure thoughts, all thanks to Plugitup™!”
I’m sure this went on for hours, but I couldn’t watch any more; I was stunned, and a little bit confused. I was certainly appalled that people would buy this cleverly packaged gay sex toy as a “cure” for homosexuality. That’s like sending someone on a trip to Haiti as a cure for AIDS. But, I was also impressed. This man has a knack for marketing. But, I shouldn’t be surprised; he’s an evangelical minister, they have years of experience with selling bullshit.
