Ghost Ride the Shit
Written by Chase
Nick. Nick Cage. Listen to me. You are a good actor. I didn’t believe it at first, but after Lord of War, Adaptation, Matchstick Men, and the Weather Man, you have convinced me. So why, why would you take that belief you’ve so carefully built from hours of flawlessly emotive facial acting, and irregular speech pattern quirkiness only you can provide and smash its unsuspecting skull against the rocks over and over again until you need dental records to identify the mass of blood and viscera that remains at the closing credits of Ghost Rider?
Now, I will say that you may have attempted the best you could with what you had to work with. Dialogue as deep and existentially mind-bending as “I’m gonna take this curse, and use it against you” or, “Don’t let the fear control you. Don’t let the fear control you.” begs the question, why would you let such verbal atrocities escape your very experienced and creative MAW, if you knew, as I think we all knew from the first trailer, that these very words discredited you and left your movie playing a game of unecessary catch up before it even opened?
I wash my hands of you for now.
Now it is your turn Eva. You are a very beautiful woman. Stop trying to take that god-given gift and dress it up like a street whore and shove it down our eyesockets in the vain hope that we will interpret it as character development. You already got that part down pat in Training Day. Take a couple days off and think about reading for a script that has more depth than a street racing movie, a poorly conceived romantic comedy, or a flaming crime fighting skeleton. You can do this or continue to rot away in the DVD collection of every kid that owns all the american pies, national lampoon movies, and any other piece of film where more than 70% of a breast is shown regularly.
A note on the special effects. Bravo. You guys take a vacation and hope next time your hard work and talent are found in a more palatable film.
A word to the moron that decided to give ghost rider the worst excuse for a vocal filter to make him sound like a B-movie monster gargling feces. Arby’s is hiring. Wait, no, I like Arby’s.
And now it’s your turn Mark Steven Johnson for your screenplay. Do me a favor, go pick up some comic books. Read them. Tell me what that weird tie running through them that links each issue to one another with a very real sense of cohesion is. Yes, its a storyline, a PLOT. Its already been done. Millions and millions of people loved it for what it was. There is a reason people went to this movie about a character they knew and enjoyed. They wanted to walk home with a moving picture version of this tale. It amazes me that you and Michael France (wrote the newest Punisher script) have taken two of Marvel’s darkest characters (The punisher books are not sold to children under 18) and robbed them of their very basis. David Goyer took batman and made it DARKER. Brayn Singer embraced the seriousness of X-Men. Stan Lee is making spiderman even darker for the third installment. These superhero movies are immensely popular. The hulk, fantastic four, elektra, and daredevil attempted to make their films family-friendly. These films provoke nausea and a sense of shame for every comic-nerd out there that lives for the day their favorite hero/heroine graces the silver screen. Although, one day some aspiring film maker may watch this celluloid disgrace and be inspired to do Johnny Blaze real justice. I hope they leave enough room in your coffin to spin.
I mean come on:
Thug: “Have Mercy”
G-Rider: “Sorry, all outta mercy”
or after dragging a police copter closer with his chains (one of the best characters in the movie next to Sam Elliot’s gravedigger):
G-Rider: “You’re pissing me off”
then he throws the helicopter and it flies away…
The vocal effects guy who screwed up is gonna need some company in the unemployment office, go hook him up.
Final note to the Goth Chick in the previews:
Thank you for one of the most genuinely entertaining moments that helped me convince the lady-friend to come see this movie with me. You swallowed your dignity and used your weird appearance to make me smile as only the special effects guys managed to do.
You better be in the inevitable sequel this movie receives with an equally awkward commentary.
