Superlative Super Bowl Stories - Part 1
Written by Manco
I would have to say Bears all the way, but for different reasons than most people. I haven’t told this story to that many people…but I think it’s something I can finally come to terms with here…in the warm, loving cradle that is the Spacepiratesltd forums…
Many moons ago, on a road called the Pennsylvania interstate, I was driving with my favorite teddy bear…who I called Buddy. Buddy might not have been as smart or as big as some of the other teddy bears, but he was the most full of love. Maybe that was why I cared for him the way I did. Maybe that was why it hurt so much when he was taken…
While driving the sun sank below the lush hills of mid-pennsylvania, setting the stage for the nightmare that was to follow. As I was driving along with Buddy, we drove over a nail standing straight-up in the middle of the road. I don’t know why that nail was there, but it changed my opinion of the Colts forever.
Since my tire was blown, I pulled over to the side of the road, confident that some good samaritan would happen by and ferry myself and my stuffed friend to safety. I didn’t know how wrong I was. After a little while of watching for someone on the road (it was very late and a holiday evening, so the interstate was deserted), a long, sinister bus pulled up behind my car. I watched in horror as the Indianapolis Colts offensive line exited the bus and stalked purposely towards my car. Their leader, Peyton Manning, walked behind, radiating evil like a space heater Darth Vader built in shop class. The offensive line surrounded me.
“Hi…” I said meekly, “You guys wouldn’t happen to be able to get me to a phone, would you?” Looking into the face of evil over the shoulders of his gigantic cronies, I knew the answer was a terrible, devastating “NO.”
“Did you know I have a laser-rocket arm?” Manning said, stepping into the circle his linebackers had formed around me. “Would you like to see?”
He held out his arm in the pale moonlight, it’s vile fist clenched. Then he giggled and socked me in the stomach. I crumpled to the ground under his laser-rocket power. The offensive line moved in. First they stripped me. Then, shaking with laughter, the linebackers passed around permament markers. Naked and helpless, I could only watch while they defiled my body with cliched designs. My nipples became hyponotic spirals. My belly button became the mouth on a horrible face. There was an arrow pointing to my anus with the words “INSERT PENUS HERE” scrawled above it. The horror was not yet over.
Naked, shaking on the ground, I watched Manning break into my car with his football helmet. I’ll never forget how it glinted nefariously in the moonlight. Using his laser-rocket arm, he reached into the car, undid the seatbelt and drew out Buddy. Smiling like Satan, Manning walked over to my quivering form.
“This is a nice teddy…” Manning said, “I think I’mah keep him.” Despite his lack of tear ducts, I’m positive I saw Buddy shed a tear.
I lay there, helpless, watching as they drove away with the only thing I ever loved. Ever. I could hear their raucous laughter as the bus pulled away. Through the window I saw Manning. His shirt was off. And he was rubbing Buddy against one of his nipples. Looking at him, I could see the scare where his soul had been sucked out. Then I threw up on myself.
And that is why I’m rooting for the Bears in the Superbowl.
