Get Rid of the Penny
Written by Flyntz
If someone were to ask you what is the most persistent inconvenience in modern life, what would you say? Me? I’d say “The penny.�
Yes, that little copper devil causes me immeasurable pain and agony. Let me count the ways. First, pennies weigh down my pockets to the point that I’ve had to invest in suspenders. Granted, this has allowed me to make a striking fashion statement, but I’ve never been fond of letting pieces of metal dictate my wardrobe.
Second, pennies increase the risk of spreading deadly infectious diseases like the common cold. After all, toddlers (known for being the most disgusting of all United States citizens) are more likely to handle pennies than any other monetary unit. In turn, pennies are clearly the dirtiest of all U.S. coins.
Third, and most importantly, pennies have led to the undeniable problem of old people counting out bags of pennies, one by one, at the pharmacy. Next time you need to buy condoms and Funyuns, you better bring a novel. This could be solved, of course, by refusing to give prescriptions to the elderly or by turning Soylent Green into reality, but I’m sure those solutions would raise at least one Constitutional question.
Nay-sayers will abound, I’m sure. They will say “But Honest Abe is on the penny! He freed the slaves!� This is not untrue, but let me remind you that Lincoln was killed by a mere bullet. Should we really honor such a weak man? I say “Nay!� We should honor a president who survived his assassination attempts like Ronald Reagan or Gerald Ford. Or, even better, George W. Bush, who is so universally loved that there has never even been an attempt on his life.
Surely, they will also make the “slippery slope� argument. In other words, if we get rid of pennies, will we get rid of nickels, dimes, two dollar bills!? Now, that’s just silly. First of all, we need to simply trust our government. Is that so much to ask? And second, we would never get rid of such a useful piece of money as the two dollar bill! These people are no more than paranoid stoners. Put down the “bong� and pick up a gun, sons!
And people will certainly point out that prices will get rounded up, not down. Now, I would never condone this sort of “glass half empty� cynicism, but as a practical matter, it’s probably true. However, this could serve as a very convenient tax for the government. Perhaps this money could be set aside for the U.S. Mint to develop more useful coins like the Sacagawea Golden Dollar and ten more variations on the nickel. That sounds like a good use for pennies, don’t you think?
