Space Pirates Ltd.

 

Naturally, I was a little disappointed by the lack of helpful material in Dr. Wangchops’ response, but if you ask me, he’s just grouchy that his Yahoo account was disabled. Maybe I’ll give his cerebral cortex a knock in a few days when he’s through being a sour puss.

The point is, since my one and only source on this topic has given me the coldest of shoulders, I’ve been forced to come up with the answers on my own. They may not be backed by supercomputer deductive reasoning, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t do my darndest, and I hope that any error in my conclusions won’t stop us from being friends in the future, because frankly our friendship means a lot to me, and I love you all very much.

 

Using science, taxidermy and other valuable methods of study, I have concocted the following list to help you better understand all the world’s religions, because according to a bunch of accredited posters I remember seeing hanging on walls near guidance offices, knowledge is power. I would provide a list of the powers knowledge can grant the wielder, but hey listen here, jerks; this isn’t the Power List Database, and I don’t have time for two topics in one update. That is simply too much information, OK? Sheesh. Anyway, here’s the list. I’ll get started with the biggies:

 

Religion I – Buddhism

From what my sources tell me, in order to be a Buddhismoe, you have to first be a big giant plumpenstein. You can’t be one of those disorderly fat folk either. The Buddhistocrats always sit pudgily smiling and going, “Hummmm.� They believe that by doing this several thousand times a day, they can achieve what they call, “Moksha,� which I’m pretty sure is a key ingredient in chocolate yum-yums. In case you haven’t picked up on it by now, Buddhism is closely tied in with the belief structure of the Keebler Elves, the main difference being the Keeblers’ denial of the repercussions of eating nothing but sweets and sitting on their tushes watching the football. Buddhism’s chief exports include candied sweet tomatoes and miniature statues of people sitting around, presumably watching the football and going, “Hummmm,� while smiling. Buddhism’s main fears include bats.

 

Religion II – Judaism

 

Before anyone infers it, no, we here at Space Pirates Ltd. do not condone anti-Semitism or any other kind of Semitism for that matter, so before you pounce on our shoulders like some kind of Suing Simba, remember that we make every attempt to be courteous and hold chairs for people and all that stuff. That being said, Judaism is a lot like Buddhism except you don’t have to be fat and instead of sitting around going, “Hummmm,� you run around mumbling and clearing your throat a lot while you try to read backwards scribbles. Judaism is most closely related to the game Red Rover, for I think, obvious reasons. Judaism’s chief exports include cereal bowls made out of yarn and full of hair. Judaism’s main fears include the movie, Bats.

 

Religion III – Voodoo

 

Voodoo, world-renowned as “the most important religion,� has made quite an impact on society at large. The most famous Voodooist is the movie Hellraiser, it’s main character a pioneer of what Voodoo enthusiasts call, “The pokey-pokey.� Voodoo’s heritage dates back to the days of Joseph Smith’s Mormon crusade into the Barrow Downs. Legend has it that he stumbled across golden syringes filled with golden heroin, which he hung from golden arches and let kids bump into them, a Mormon tradition of the period. Eventually, one of the children got wise and used the syringes to poke dolls instead.

The resulting influx of followers started a chain reaction that made some trouble for Gilligan in one episode and made Indiana Jones snap out of his curse. Voodoo’s chief exports include the DVD release of that guy with the bone through his nose singing the “I Told the Witchdoctor,� song. Voodoo’s main fears include people who fear bats.

 

Religion IIII – Christianity

 

The mere mention of this religion causes many teeth to chatter, and many of those chattering teeth wind-up toys to sit still. Its legacy is long and bloody, like a hotdog that’s been used to stab some hapless chap to smithereens. Like all the previous religions, its founder became famous when he nailed the king of a rival religion to a couple pieces of ply-wood. Other than that, the fundamentals of this belief system are completely void of any other relationship to other beliefs. Of particular interest to me is these people’s idea that one day a chosen one will bring balance to the Force, because I think that’s just a really neat idea and I hope they one day explain what exactly it’s supposed to mean, because even through all my research I’m still kind of in the dark about that one. Christianity’s chief exports include disproportionate Red Cross logos and midichlorians. Christianity’s main fears include hats.

 

Religion IIIII – Taoism

 

I remember my ninth grade history teacher saying something about people in this religion getting hit by cars and then not doing anything about it because that’s the natural order of life, and everything is as it should be. Frankly, it sounds to me like a pyramid scheme to run over all the other religions with cars and get off scott-free with big bags of dollars that they get from inflation. Don’t buy into the hype of this religion; it’s for no-goodniks. Taoism’s chief exports include bats, hats, DVD’s of the movie Bats, and people who are afraid of bats. Taoism’s main fears include nothing because the infidels fear only the demise of their heathen beliefs, which I guess counts as a fear, so tally that one up. But that is the only one!

 

Apparently there are other religions in the world too, but gee golly that sure is a lot to swallow in one sitting. I’m fairly sure the others are just anagrams of these religions with maybe a few changes as to who gets nailed to what, which end you stick the needles in, and just how fast the bus can go before it explodes in Amy Jo Johnson’s face. If you skipped the list, you’re likely an impatient ninny, but that won’t keep you from the salvation of finding out the ending. All these religions mean about diddley-donk next to their infallible hybrid.

 

Religion Supreme – Falcoism

Named for 80’s super group and surly Starfox character Falco, this religion packs a punch you can’t spike. Its followers have been known to give it two thumbs way up and even send invitations to their friends, which if nothing else, is an awfully nice thing to do. Some of the perks include daily flapjacks, new gravel for your fish tank, and sometimes balloons. Its chief exports include pixie dust, jet packs, gelatin deserts, and shitty endings to updates, like this one.

 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 at 9:45 pm and is filed under Pirate Brew Ha-Ha. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.