Space Pirates Ltd.

Point your button noses toward the sky, my adorable kittens. Do you smell that? Frankensteins are leaving their retirement castles and walking among us, the Smashing Pumpkins are preparing for more lawsuits from angry stoop-owners, and candy corn is literally raining from the sky. Something spooky is churning the air around you into terrifying butter. For some, the idea of the Halloween season (henceforth referred to as the “Halloweason�) might sound like a fun-filled, candy-packed, monster-stuffed, fun-o-ramma. But with every season must come a displeasin’. And you and I well know, you can’t very well breathe terrifying butter.

The Halloweason began, as most things do, with a bunch of people in olden times dressed up like jerks. People would dance around a fire wearing Rocky Horror Picture Show outfits and shout “Boogey boogey boogey! Get down with the boogey!� This ritual began as an attempt to overthrow the corrupt Transylvanian government with a new Parliament that was at least thirty times more funkadelic than the last. What the Transylvanian jerks didn’t realize, however, was that their plan lacked not only structure, but common sense. They failed to realize that once George Clinton was conjured forth from their funky bonfire, he would not protect them; he would enslave them. Like moths to a moth box social, they were drawn into the funkadelic flames and enslaved forever under the tyrannical flaming dominion of the P-funk. Now, you might ask yourself, “Why in the holy doldrums would anyone make a holiday season out of that?� I could finish this update right now and tell you that the fiery minions of George Clinton’s Transylvanian zombie armada heavily enforce Halloween’s practices each and every year, and if we don’t like it, “Well, that’s just tough buttons,� says Clinton. But unfortunately for me, I already created three marvelous illustrative works of art for this update, and I don’t want them getting all cluttered together by lack of content. Besides, I just found an old Halloween Encyclopedia, and it turns out there’s more to the story anyway. Aren’t you just a bouquet of lucky bananas! (You are.)

Apparently, the Russian Archduke and rock n’ roll singer Franz Ferdinand actually created the concept for the first Halloween back in eighteen-ought-twelve, which in layman’s terms is Friday the 13th for your information, OK? He was sitting under a particularly spooky tree, when his rival and fellow historical figure Sir Isaac Newton dropped an apple on him exclaiming, “Appley nice to see you!� Ferdinand, after scoffing at Newton’s quick wit with the English language, suddenly realized that the bonk on his head gave him a vision. Quickly ripping off a piece of Newton’s skin, he sketched his revelation onto it. Ferdinand faced his nemesis in cackling triumph. “Behold!� he declared, “The Flux Capacitor!� Newton replied with a prolonged series of shrieks and cries of “Oh Jesus, you ripped off my skin! Jesus Christ I can’t believe you really ripped off my skin,� which Ferdinand interpreted using science as Newton-speak for, “That’s a lame name, jerk.� Ferdinand didn’t like Newton much, and he certainly didn’t like being called a jerk, but ever a gentleman and a man of science, he took Sir Isaac Newton’s response as healthy criticism. Determined to make something terrific out of his vision, Ferdinand worked night and day in his laboratory. It wasn’t long before he not only came up with the much improved name “Halloween,� but also reduced Newton’s lifeless cadaver to an arrangement of blood, bone and muscle nailed to his wall that roughly spelled out the phrase: “Who’s laughing now, you gorgeous bastard?� Incidentally, this cryptic sentence has become the delightful catchphrase that children now say door to door in hope of getting candied apples and other sweet treats shoved into their gaping maws.

 

But Ferdinand wasn’t the only young rapscallion responsible for Halloween as we know it today. Philosophers have detected hints of the holiday’s rise in all sorts of historical documents. In fact, some of Jesus of Nazareth’s final words were “I am thirsty – for some H-A-double L…eeehhhhhh…� which has only recently joined debate forums across the globe as maybe not a reference to the word “Hallelujah,� after all.

Dan Brown discovered an under-painting in one of Da Vinci’s works that clearly shows the Hobgoblin throwing a jack-o-lantern at the Pope. Of course, no one questions Da Vinci’s ability to see through time with his Knights Templar alien powers, but nevertheless the truth remains that the idea of Halloween and the Hobgoblin existed before time was time. Even Druid structures like Stone Henge and Stone Fence seem to spell out “Spoooooooky,� if you knock over a bunch of the stones and squint your eyes a lot. But no matter where you’re getting your Halloween mythos, (henceforth referred to as chewy spooky ding-dings) one factoid remains constant: this holiday brings with it a terrible curse.

Cry all you want, Mary Sue, but you have to face the truth sooner or later. You can’t poke pinholes in your roommate’s condoms without repercussions, and you certainly can’t celebrate this dastardly holiday without understanding the pros and cons. First and foremost, you must understand that within every cutesy pooh image there lies within a disgusting maniacal truth: take the face off of Shirley Temple, and you’re left with a cute little girl with a hideous shrieking skull for a face. The same rule applies to everything, as I’m sure you’ll understand once you’ve read the terrifying certainty I have to offer.

 

The candy is PEOPLE oh shit this update is over!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 25th, 2005 at 10:07 pm and is filed under Pirate Brew Ha-Ha. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.