So About Our Recent Absences…
Written by Omnicommie
We’ve been, real busy…
And, well, uh Steve over there had the flu one day so we had to take him to the hospital. Except… the hospital that Steve’s family usually goes to is in Alaska. So we rented a van and started our trip up north for Alaska right then. But then… we got a flat tire, and we didn’t have a jack to fix it. Luckily, it was very cold because of a freak snow storm so we made a make shift jack out of Dave’s frozen shirt. After we got the tire on, we made a wrong turn and ended up at Sesame Place and made a pit stop… because Steve likes it there and he said it would make him feel better.
After our break, we got right back on track. That is until we met up with Daniel Boone. No not the dead one. He’s a professional gymnast that lives out in Ohio… and he asked us to join his troupe after seeing us change the tire a while back, because we did it while the car was still moving. We said “OK” but only on the terms that we eventually make it to Alaska so Steve can see his doctor. And Ethan wanted to take a picture of all of us before we left for our tour so he could see how much our bodies would improve throughout the tour. The thing is, he was out of film, so we stopped at the drug store to get some. It just so happened that the drug store was being robbed at the time. Luckily Ethan had his camera and snapped a few pictures of the criminal…uh, shit, after he bought some, you know, the film… you see, because the robber was pretty, pretty nice and let us get our things first and…
Oh I can’t do this any more.
No, I have to be fair. In truth, I have a very high-paid secretary. Actually, I had a very high-paid secretary. Her name is Shiela Wertzenbacher. I hired her about a month ago to take some of the paper work load off my shoulders. Throughout the month of May and the beginning of June I dictated seven updates:
1. The Walrus-McEnzie Manifesto ver. 2
2. Beep That Horn You Sassy Jiggilo!
3. The Old Man and the Sea
4. Five Games to Play In a Coconut
5. Dibs on Blue Car
6. I Don’t Really Like Music but Can You Smell That? ‘Cause Whatever it is, it Stinks Real Bad
7. *crumble**crumble**crumble*
These “dictated” updates never made it to the front page. While I thought Shiela was typing my orated words, she was actually crumbling crackers on the keyboard, which sounds eerily like the sound of typing. All this as well as my memoirs and a list of people I have black listed were lost to the walls of my office.
Alright, I lied again. You got me. We’re just lazy shmucks.
