I Work With the Good Book[s]
Written by Omnicommie
Oh I do say, aren’t we due for an update about someone’s job? Why I do believe we are! Oh, gracious me! Let me get my coat and we’ll be off!
Recently, after putting out an amount of applications that could blind the Queen, I got two job offers. One offer from Blockbuster Video (formerly Larry’s House of Jazz and Ass) was accepted by me not two weeks ago. They paid $7.00 an hour and promised a good time, wherein I would explain to customers why I was holding their genitalia. This was all until Borders Bookstore called (formerly Blockbuster Video.) They would pay $7.50 an hour; needless to say this pleased me. To clinch the deal, I was told that they had my back if one of my boys was straight frontin’. Hearing this wonderful noise, I proceeded to tell the good people at Blockbuster Video to go “jump off the planet!�
At long last, my quest was completed! I could now afford food and pajamas with feet on the bottom. My first day at Borders bookstore was filled with wonderment and awe. What did I do? I’ll tell you! I filled out a pile of forms with a size equivalent to Cleveland, Ohio; midsized at best. The moment I put down my pen, my new manager threw me out onto the floor to clean up a perpetually messy “kids� section. Most nights follow this suit. I am assigned two or three tasks. Said tasks usually consist of me putting books away, or straightening books or booking books for poor behavior. These tasks are never completed as a result of our overly intelligent and almost-too-well-read customers.
I’ll exemplify what I just said by describing a real-life situation that happened in the cookbook section of the store:
Me: Hey, can I help you guys?
Girl With Baby’s Daddy and Fellow Skank: Uhhh… I can’t find The Anarchist Cooks.
Me: Do you mean The Anarchist’s Cookbook?
Girl With Baby’s Daddy and Fellow Skank: I think so…
Me: Well, what’s it about?
Girl With Baby’s Daddy and Fellow Skank: Some hippies wrote it. It’s about being proactive against the government. Or something.
Me: We might want to try Social Sciences
As it turned out, The Anarchist’s Cookbook cannot be found in our bookstore, because it has been blacklisted. TAKE THAT TERRORISM!!!
Another function of my job is to man a calendar kiosk owned by Borders Bookstore. If you enjoy nothing, then this is the place for you. Aside from the occasional preteen who gawks at pictures of half-naked cheerleaders right before he throws the calendar on the ground and stomps on it, there is absolutely nothing to do. In my defense, I try to be a good employee, but boredom always gets the best of me. Hobbies when at the kiosk consist of:
Staring at people and grinning like I’m going to eat them
Calling “hey chica!� at any female who passes by while at the same time, thrusting my crotch and licking my lips
Drawing pictures of Harrison Ford and Whoopi Goldberg making love
Extending and retracting my pneumatic legs
Spelunking
Other than those few things, I have no major complaints about my job. Except for the scorpions. I could do without the scorpions.
