A Factual Documentary
Written by Emperor Ethan
While playing a relaxing game of billiards down at the student union, I recently had the glorious joy and privilege of watching Michael Moore’s latest documentary, Fahrenheit 9-11. After the credits rolled and I wiped the tears of hatred out of my eyes, I realized I had changed into a new person – not only had a second penis grown out of my forehead, but I realized that I now had a duty to myself and my country. No longer could I hope to get away with arguing with useless tools such as “facts� and “the truth.� No longer would I sit around apathetically while hundreds and thousands of words remained unquoted out of context. I realized that there is a new Michael Moore in town, and his name is Ethan “lord of fear� Parry. I could become a documentalist. All I had to go was find some quotes, and where better to turn for that than the internet. Now the first thing that I’ve learned as a documentarianationer is to not tell anyone what I think. I will only present the FACTS! So what follows are some ACTUAL DIRECT quotes from John Kerry.
In his speech at temple university, Kerry screeched at a shocked college audience that “Ben Franklin…brutalized…Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress…with…[a] large…Turkey…of justice!�
Cowering in a corner, a trembling audience of the 124th Annual Session of the national baptist convention was forced to listen again and again to Kerry’s voice booming over the loudspeaker, repeating “I…[am] a…Vulcan…slave trader!â€?
Lately a lot of people have been wondering how the Kerry administration would have helped support south American countries which have felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Ivan. As a citizen, I used my mind to ask Kerry what he will do to aid these crippled nations. In his Congressional Hispanic Caucus speech, he responded with “I’m sure you would agree that the best way we could honor their service is to finish the job.� After hearing this horrifying news I began to ask how he would deal with the invevitable protests here in America. Before I could call up Kerry’s castle atop Mount Doom to ask my question, Kerry went on to say, “[I’ll end] that strike by going to Mass and breaking…Robert Kennedy.�
Now I’m a good documentationalistarionator, so I won’t tell you what I think about this Kennedy-breaking madman. However, after presenting this completely factual documentary, I am curious to see how my fellow peers view the political world. Young Matt Flyntz, who may or may not have hopped in a time machine after reading this factual documentary, logged onto his person computer system and said “I…[am]..a pervert…Hell…terrorist� while, quite possibly, eating a 2 week old kitten. He then went on to say “[kill the Jews]�.
While it saddens me as a documentationalistarianatorist, I realize that sometimes even the PURE, UNEDITED FACTS are not enough to sway the pawns of American Society. If however, you want to join me in my fight for TRUTH, please feel free to e-mail me with your opinions on John “I punch pregnant women� Kerry. Now, like my hero and idol Michael Moore, I will end my 100% COMPLETELY FACTUAL documentary by quoting a famous author with obvious relevance that is certainly not taken out of context whatsoever.
“He’d need to change back into a spider in order to get back up, but by the time he made it, his stomach was rumbling and his mouth was sour with hunger.�
-Stephen King, quite possibly referring to John Kerry.
