Attn: Smokers Wanted
Written by Omnicommie
I’ve been attending my school (PSU Delco) for over a month now, and I’ve noticed something that stands out significantly. There are only two types of people who go here. Those who smoke and those who don’t. They have different ways of talking, separate genitalia, and different habitats. The past 30 days or so, I’ve acted as a real life Jane Goodall (she was so fake) to bring to you, the readers a through analysis of this environment.
The non-smoker is a calm and friendly type. They remain mostly inside, looking at porn on their laptops, or doing their pornographic homework. They form few bonds between each other, preferring the silent hum of the air conditioner as a companion. Most non-smokers hold jobs as “assistants� at their parents law firms, or they hold no job at all. A majority rely on “mommy and daddy� as a source of income. Fascinating! For fun they listen to bands such as Coheed and Cambria, and the most common body covering is a black t-shirt that announces their attendance at an overpriced festival. They have little prowess in the field. When approached aggressively, they curl up and play dead. This is most advantageous for “non-smoker hockey.�
The smoker is surely the king of the jungle. Their occupations come along the lines of “auto technician� or “grease eater.� This specimen has hair all of their bodies, as they remain outside at all times. In constant need of tobacco, you will never see a smoker without some form of their precious “not-so-wacky tobacky.� Thusly, it appears that the smoker can breathe fire. This is true. Never stand too close to a smoker, or you might lose all your laptop porn in the mess. Smokers prey on non-smokers for fun, trapping them in “eating circles� and torturing them until they are at last devoured. Quite a spectacle.
I hope you’ve enjoyed our little journey into the jungle! I know I did. So if you ever catch a glimpse of either of these two specimens, make sure you note it on the message board, so other space pirate anthropologists can share your knowledge.
