Space Pirates Ltd.

While playing a relaxing game of billiards down at the student union, I recently had the glorious joy and privilege of watching Michael Moore’s latest documentary, Fahrenheit 9-11. After the credits rolled and I wiped the tears of hatred out of my eyes, I realized I had changed into a new person – not only had a second penis grown out of my forehead, but I realized that I now had a duty to myself and my country. No longer could I hope to get away with arguing with useless tools such as “facts� and “the truth.� No longer would I sit around apathetically while hundreds and thousands of words remained unquoted out of context. I realized that there is a new Michael Moore in town, and his name is Ethan “lord of fear� Parry. I could become a documentalist. All I had to go was find some quotes, and where better to turn for that than the internet. Now the first thing that I’ve learned as a documentarianationer is to not tell anyone what I think. I will only present the FACTS! So what follows are some ACTUAL DIRECT quotes from John Kerry.

In his speech at temple university, Kerry screeched at a shocked college audience that “Ben Franklin…brutalized…Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress…with…[a] large…Turkey…of justice!�

Cowering in a corner, a trembling audience of the 124th Annual Session of the national baptist convention was forced to listen again and again to Kerry’s voice booming over the loudspeaker, repeating “I…[am] a…Vulcan…slave trader!â€?

Lately a lot of people have been wondering how the Kerry administration would have helped support south American countries which have felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Ivan. As a citizen, I used my mind to ask Kerry what he will do to aid these crippled nations. In his Congressional Hispanic Caucus speech, he responded with “I’m sure you would agree that the best way we could honor their service is to finish the job.� After hearing this horrifying news I began to ask how he would deal with the invevitable protests here in America. Before I could call up Kerry’s castle atop Mount Doom to ask my question, Kerry went on to say, “[I’ll end] that strike by going to Mass and breaking…Robert Kennedy.�

Now I’m a good documentationalistarionator, so I won’t tell you what I think about this Kennedy-breaking madman. However, after presenting this completely factual documentary, I am curious to see how my fellow peers view the political world. Young Matt Flyntz, who may or may not have hopped in a time machine after reading this factual documentary, logged onto his person computer system and said “I…[am]..a pervert…Hell…terrorist� while, quite possibly, eating a 2 week old kitten. He then went on to say “[kill the Jews]�.

While it saddens me as a documentationalistarianatorist, I realize that sometimes even the PURE, UNEDITED FACTS are not enough to sway the pawns of American Society. If however, you want to join me in my fight for TRUTH, please feel free to e-mail me with your opinions on John “I punch pregnant women� Kerry. Now, like my hero and idol Michael Moore, I will end my 100% COMPLETELY FACTUAL documentary by quoting a famous author with obvious relevance that is certainly not taken out of context whatsoever.

“He’d need to change back into a spider in order to get back up, but by the time he made it, his stomach was rumbling and his mouth was sour with hunger.�
-Stephen King, quite possibly referring to John Kerry.

I’ve been attending my school (PSU Delco) for over a month now, and I’ve noticed something that stands out significantly. There are only two types of people who go here. Those who smoke and those who don’t. They have different ways of talking, separate genitalia, and different habitats. The past 30 days or so, I’ve acted as a real life Jane Goodall (she was so fake) to bring to you, the readers a through analysis of this environment.

The non-smoker is a calm and friendly type. They remain mostly inside, looking at porn on their laptops, or doing their pornographic homework. They form few bonds between each other, preferring the silent hum of the air conditioner as a companion. Most non-smokers hold jobs as “assistants� at their parents law firms, or they hold no job at all. A majority rely on “mommy and daddy� as a source of income. Fascinating! For fun they listen to bands such as Coheed and Cambria, and the most common body covering is a black t-shirt that announces their attendance at an overpriced festival. They have little prowess in the field. When approached aggressively, they curl up and play dead. This is most advantageous for “non-smoker hockey.�

The smoker is surely the king of the jungle. Their occupations come along the lines of “auto technician� or “grease eater.� This specimen has hair all of their bodies, as they remain outside at all times. In constant need of tobacco, you will never see a smoker without some form of their precious “not-so-wacky tobacky.� Thusly, it appears that the smoker can breathe fire. This is true. Never stand too close to a smoker, or you might lose all your laptop porn in the mess. Smokers prey on non-smokers for fun, trapping them in “eating circles� and torturing them until they are at last devoured. Quite a spectacle.

I hope you’ve enjoyed our little journey into the jungle! I know I did. So if you ever catch a glimpse of either of these two specimens, make sure you note it on the message board, so other space pirate anthropologists can share your knowledge.

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